My Baby Steven

i am not sure if this memorial is suitable for this site. but i look over this site for hours ,you
see i would of had a child who would of been 14 this year .he wasn't still born or miscarried
i had an abortion .there is not a day when i do not feel guilty, i made a very wrong decision .when
i look through this site i have always wished that i too could leave messages and candles to the
child i rejected and to say im sorry . but when i see all the babies that have died and the hurt in
all the mothers words i feel it maybe wrong for me to be on here , i chose to have the abortion and
i would do anything to turn the clock back. like all the mothers on here i feel pain ,i feel i
should not grieve ,i feel empty,my baby doesent even have a name .he is never spoken about it is as
if he never existed.and i hurt so bad.all i wish is to be able to say goodnight and tell him im
sorry and i love him. i apologise if anyone thinks i should not put this on here and i will delete
it i do not wish to upset anyone


THANKS
Can i please say thanks to everyone .I am overwelmed .it has taken a few days for me to have the
courage to come back on here i wasn,t sure what to expect. i want to explain what happened .14
years i have kept to myself how i feel . Only close family new about the abortion and since that
day it has never been mentioned not even by my husband .i suppose they think its best not to talk
about it. i dont know if i,m speaking the truth by saying i tried to tell them no i had changed my
mind as they were taking me in, i can remember trying to shout and i remember someone saying its ok
it wont take long . i remember waking up and saying didn't you here me and being told it was
all over. i asked to see it and was told there was" nothing to see. " Nothing that was
what she said. it was a nothing. they said i didn't shout but i was sure i did i know i did .
You see i wasn' t sure.... i was waiting on my husband saying to me no don't go through
with it , but he thought that it was what i wanted, it wasn't till he came to collect me and i
told him i tried to stop them that he told me he would of been quite happy. We should of taken more
time but my doctor booked me in so quickly we just didn't talk enough. I was 40 and according
to my doctor i was too old. 8 month later i was pregnant again and we were over the moon. it was
meant to be everyone said . and so my son was born, for a long time i tried to convince myself it
was the same baby just to ease the guilt but i know it isn't , I cannot forgive myself if only
we had taken more time . I just need him to be acknowledged its the least i can do, he existed he
wasn't " a nothing to see" as the nurse had said. I only hope that some day i will
get the chance to hold him in my arms and welcome him as my son. and yes now is the time he will
have a name. his name is Steven